A Satirical take on politics today.
A 75 year old Republican Congressman was “voluntold” by his campaign staff that the best way to capitalize on his good looks was to have major campaign contributors pay him for sex. How much does a Congressman go for these days?
A senior staffer who told me not to identify him described the search and bidding process to me in depth, saying “Yeah dog, we tried Craigslist, local newspaper ads — hell his ass was plastered on a bus for a solid week or two. In the end though, we only had a few bids worth pursuing.” Koch Industries put in for $500,000 (7,042 barrels of oil at the current exchange rate) but said they only wanted “a dick pic”. Sheldon Adelson, a longtime ultra-conservative donor, expressed an interest in pimping the Congressman in his Las Vegas hotel, but ultimately the deal fell through due to the potentially bad optics before an election.
The only other bidder was President Donald Trump, who in 2016 called the Congressman “a dumbass among dumbasses,” said on the campaign trail today that the man was “the smartest, brightest, most talented man ever to run for the seat, OK?” When asked about his offer to the Congressman, he said “Fake news. But I offered him peanuts, OK? Peanuts. Peanuts are very big right now. Thanks to me, peanuts are very big, very strong, everyone is talking about them!”
When a Fox News reporter asked him about the offer, he replied “Such great reporting on real issues. Fox News is — great OK? It was a ₽700,000 ruble loan — was offered to him by my staff. I said ‘look, I love— I don’t want to sleep with this guy. I just want him to win.’”
A copy of the contract I reviewed put the interest rate of the loan at “complete and total loyalty” with at least a 99% compliance rate. In case the deal is broken, Trump is given power of attorney, his “Christian soul” and $2,000,000, an arrangement critics decried as money laundering for Russian interests. If the loan is repaid on time, Trump will of course receive all the Congressman’s voting rights for the rest of his time in office.
The Congressman was not made available by the time this article was published (3:50am).
A spokesperson for the Congressman declined to comment at first, but was eventually goaded into a comment. He said “what happened to the leftist cry of ‘my body, my rights’? Can’t the Congressman do what he wants with his body? What happened to civility in this country? Did you see that caravan of others heading for the U.S.? You lefty propaganda fake news outlets refuse to cover what really matters, like the Democrat just accused of infidelity!”
When pressed on whether Trump had bought the Congressman, the spokesperson demurred, saying “Who cares? Yes, he whored himself like prostitute. But do the people of our district really cares who owns their Congressman’s vote? No, the top issue is consistently the economy, according to fake CNN. We want to focus on the economy, not these fringe issues.”
Update: Two days after publication, the Congressman voted to dismantle the economy. In the “Create More Jobs Act” and again in the “Gilded Age of America II Act” the Congressman, through Trump’s lawyer, voted to pass both bills that sought to “utterly destroy the poor and middle class to transfer their wealth to the top 1%” in order to “create more jobs using trickle-down economics.” The bills passed along mostly partisan lines.